Atlas As A Car, And The Death Of A Brand

"G_Body_Man: Sponsored by the number 3" (gbodyman)
12/18/2015 at 16:07 • Filed to: misadventures in automotive journalism, Misadventures In Automotive Journalism, Oldsmobile, Alero

You would know I am fond of classic Oldsmobile products. After all, I owned a 1984 Cutlass Supreme Brougham, which is featured in the header for this site. However, I have only recently begun to really research modern Oldsmobile products. Most of us see the Alero as a mediocre car from old GM. The truth, however, lies a but farther below the surface.

You would be forgiven if you thought that the Alero was based off of the Cavalier’s J-body, or maybe the fifth generation Malibu’s P-90 platform. It is actually based off of the fifth generation Grand Am’s N-body platform. That means that you got independent suspension at all four corners, and your choice of a 3.4 liter V6 or a four-cylinder engine, the latter of which came with an optional Getrag five speed manual gearbox. It was a surprisingly good package. Plenty of midrange power, a slick manual gearbox, taut handling, an attractive body, and loads of standard equipment such as air conditioning and a six speaker stereo. Critics loved it, and it instantly became the most popular Oldsmobile car available. In fact, it was supposed to be a key figure in the renaissance of Oldsmobile as a brand. In fact, it did almost save Oldsmobile. The key word there is almost.

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DISCUSSION (9)

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > G_Body_Man: Sponsored by the number 3
12/18/2015 at 16:26

I’m going to use this flimsy excuse to refer to a car as “Atlas” to make a long series of ill-advised Ayn Rand-based puns. Because I have a problem.

Missed shift -> Atlas lugged.

Alero accidentally driven into stream - > Atlas glugged

Trouble with ECM - > Atlas bugged

Losing power up a hill - > Atlas chugged

Alero’s antitheft system fails -> Atlas mugged

Breaks down, call AAA - > Atlas tugged

Window smashed - > Atlas thugged

Alero well-loved - > Atlas hugged

The feeling of driving a better kind of N-body - > Atlas smugged

A potato is inserted into the tailpipe - > Atlas plugged

Punched in frustration - > Atlas slugged

Buried in a time capsule to teach future generations about Oldsmobile - >Atlas dug

Used to cart an aunt’s dog - > Atlas pugged

traderQAMobileTestAutomationMobileBoostOn > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
12/18/2015 at 16:32

Occupants smoke weed inside the Alero -> Atlas drugged

DeMuro buys an Alero -> Atlas douged

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > G_Body_Man: Sponsored by the number 3
12/18/2015 at 16:41

I liked Olds, but I honestly can't see how a company with "old" in it's name could have survived in the 21st century anyway.

RallyWrench > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
12/18/2015 at 16:41

Alero develops terminal rod knock —> Atlas fucked

Alero suffered engine mount failure, hacked back together with 2X4 and bungee cord to get home—> Atlas kluged (also possibly applicable to a perfectly good Alero on the day it was built)

Alero takes a sweet jump in Germany—> Atlas Flug’d

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > RallyWrench
12/18/2015 at 16:42

I was going to go with

Aleor encounters Ray Wert -> Atlas ______, but whatever.

RallyWrench > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer
12/18/2015 at 16:44

Also applicable.

traderQAMobileTestAutomationMobileBoostOn > RallyWrench
12/18/2015 at 16:52

If we can use the “-uk” sound, that opens up a few more.

Breaks down right after leaving the factory -> Atlas sucked

Alero w/ hydraulics drops down -> Atlas ducked

Side-swiped by an 18-wheeler -> Atlas trucked

Almost side-swiped by an 18-wheeler -> Atlas lucked (out)